Warning: This post contains only 1 photo and many many many more words. Here goes.
Years ago my Mom gave me great advice; she challenged me to record all of the amazing things that God does in my life. Here is one that will go down in history for our family.
A few days later I had my follow up appointment with my OB. She announced that everything looked great from my ultrasound and then nonchalantly announced that there was a tiny cyst on my babies brain. A TINY CYST ON MY BABIES BRAIN?! How could she say everything was great except........this HORRIBLE thing?! I went to this appointment alone- and never felt it more. It was like everything stood still. I have easy pregnancies.. A healthy family.. And had never thought of facing something that sounded so terrifying! "it's very common and usually disappears later in pregnancy and again It is very small." She attempted to assure me. I asked what the cause may be or what it might indicate. She said it could be an indication of down syndrome or something along those lines, but given my age she didn't think that was an issue. I was told I would have a follow up ultrasound about 12 weeks later. I couldn't help but think this is my BABY and I want to have a healthy child. She obviously could tell I was distraught and told me if it were her she wouldn't loose any sleep over it. Easy for her to say.
I got in my car and immediately wanted to call my mom. But she had a job interview the next morning and I didn't want to get her all upset. I was already dialing my dad. As I tried to explain what the Dr. had just told me I burst into tears. I remember telling him I just don't know how I'm going to tell this to Tony. My dad is awesome and just immediately turned me to God. He reminded me that God hadn't "fallen off his throne" as he says. He has given us many promises in the bible and I needed to stand on them. He reminded me that it was mine and Tony's job to stand in the gap together for our child who was helpless and couldn't fight for himself. This was a mind battle, I couldn't let my mind go to the "what if" but had to continually focus on the things of God. My dad suggested we name our son so we could speak over him personally. It was about a day later that we were certain he was Eli. I felt so much better after talking with my dad but still felt so heavy having to tell Tony. I faked a happy few minutes in front of the family before pulling Tony into our room and telling him that I had something really hard to say. There were tears (on my part) but he was nothing but hopeful and supportive. We knew we had a battle to fight. I was able to tell my mom the next day and she was very positive as well. I'm so super blessed to have the family that I do. Something about knowing my mom wasn't worried (or didn't appear to be) gave me so much comfort. Tony and I prayed continually throughout the days and together as a couple every Thursday night (the day we got the news) until we had the next appointment. We had decided not to give any attention to the problem. God knew the problem so we continued to pray for Eli's healing without continually speaking about the "cyst"... We weren't going to let fear interfere at all so we did not make this a public thing. Most of the time I was standing in faith. I know how big my God is - I know his power and what he has, and can do. But often, more often than I'd like to admit, I'd hear this voice in the back of my head... "what IF it shows up again, what if it's even bigger? What if he has down syndrome what will life be like?? Is my Dr. really concerned??" I tried instantly to take those thoughts captive and this is where I think I really grew. After both of my parents telling me for years to find scripture that pertains to what I'm going through and stand on it..I finally did. I wrote out healing and peace scriptures. (I needed peace just as much as anything.) so every time a thought came in I cast it down and grabbed my notecards; Proverbs 3:5 and Psalm 55:22 are a couple that I meditated on. I even had a few stuck to the dashboard in my car.
This time felt like a roller coaster. Although I felt bonded with the little one in my belly I had trouble getting excited about him. I loved him more than ever... I was his protecter.. I was going to bat for him.. But I was still scared of the unknown. There were nights of tears... Tony is soooo strong and at times I feel so weak. I was crying one night telling him I had faith.... but not enough. I had faith but still had a doubt in the back of my mind. My mom told me that's when you pray saying "God, I believe .. But help my unbelief!"
The day finally came for us to go back in for that ultrasound. I was a chatter box in the car all the way there. Nerves. This time we had two techs taking turns (I think one was an understudy.) They knew it was a follow up for something previously seen. they were precise.. Taking there time.. Very serious.. they didn't once give me any inclining of hope. I didn't ask the question I was dying to know. I was way to scared. We left. I was in a horrible mood. I thought obviously they should have put our minds at ease and told us the good news if there was any. Even if they weren't allowed I'm sure I would have been able to tell that they were ok with things.. But I didn't have that sense AT ALL. We had to wait DAYS until my follow up with the OB. Tony and I prayed before going in and I felt peace along with an incredible amount of nerves. The Dr. knocked and walks in and quickly announces that everything looks perfect! No more cyst whatsoever. Praise the Lord!!! I cannot explain to you how ecstatic I was!! It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders! My dad told me that is the feeling I need to have immediately when faced with a challenge. I need to be so excited and praising God even in the storm. That is so true ...yet so hard, right? I feel like the next time I face a major crisis I have this in my back pocket to look back on. My faith has been built and I have something to stand on. God did what he said he would do. I'm also more confident in recognizing the voice of the deceiver.. Which is so helpful. Now I know that lying voice and I can stand strong against it. My Mom has helped me to see when I get very very afraid it's always Satan. He comes to steal, kill and destroy and he did his best to steal my faith and peace in that time, but he did not win.
As we drove away from the Doctor's office and toward our celebratory cold stone ice cream we had time to reflect on God, his promises and the great praise report we were given! He even lit up the sky with the most incredible sun set.. I felt his unfailing love. God loves us more than we can even imagine and is for us. A painful experience will never be wasted. My mom reminded me no matter what was to happen or to come: He LOVES us and will see us through!
Thank You Lord for being so faithful to us, even though we are so undeserving of You!!!
